Rest in Peace, mi boi

5th January 2013 - Joel, me, Rob and Matt visiting Rob at hospital
This photo will forever be one of my favourite photos ever

Monday 18th February, 1:10pm - a date and time which will stick in my head forever. It was the date and time that my beautiful, inspiring, incredible, wonderful, hilarious and all over brilliant friend Rob Brett lost his battle to leukemia. It's been almost a week since it happened and I still don't think it's fully sunk in yet. I suppose it feels unreal and impossible that the boy I spent the afternoon with on Saturday, running round the Hospice after cakes and cat, is not actually alive and breathing anymore; I haven't fully wrapped my head around how easily life can be taken away yet.

That whole day was surreal really now I look back on it. I've recently fallen out with one of my closest friends, though he won't tell me what I've done wrong, and on Sunday night the fact I'd lost him and I was losing Rob made me cry myself to sleep. I woke up with stingy eyes and that empty feeling you get when you cry yourself to sleep. For some reason, throughout the entirety of Monday I was on the verge of tears. I was so deeply worried about Rob and if I was ever going to see him again, and the fact his liver was failing and statistically he wasn't meant to make it through the week; though I'd known those facts for ages, for some reason on Monday they were all I could think of. I couldn't concentrate in my lessons properly, and anything anyone said to me they were risking setting me off in tears. Joel has over the years got to know me so well that he can pick up on when I'm distressed or upset even when I'm hiding it to the point that nobody else picks up on it, and Matt's starting to be the same; both of them at separate points in the day asked me what was wrong and gave me big hugs to tell me not to worry, that worrying would solve nothing, and for the moment Rob was doing okay. I couldn't eat my lunch properly, and was getting really frustrated with myself because I didn't understand why I was feeling so awful.

I had English fifth period (which is the last lesson of the day at my school) and continued to be distracted throughout that lesson, continually having to ask Joel what was going on. Twenty minutes into the lesson a lime green slip was delivered and given to me. It read 'Go to Miss Khan's office immediately with all belongings'. (Miss Khan is Head of Sixth Form and Deputy Head of the school). My heartbeat immediately went into overdrive because I could think of no reason as to why I was being called there, and the 'with all belongings' which implied I would not be returning to my lesson sent alarm bells ringing in my head. According to Joel my whole face crumpled when the note was delivered, and I know I was shaking like mad as I packed away my stuff and basically ran out of the classroom. The entire time as I walked across the school I was saying manically to myself "It's not about Rob it's not about Rob it's not about Rob" and trying not to cry, because I could think of nothing else it would be about.

I opened the door to the office, and Jen, Laura, Sam and Laura's mum were already there, with red eyes and tears streaming down their faces. I think I knew right then what had happened, as soon as Sam walked over and put his arms around me, but when Miss Khan said "I'm so sorry Sarah; Rob passed away at 1:10pm today" according to Laura I basically collapsed in the middle of the office and I went into proper loud, shaking sobs. Jen had to hold onto me and help me across the room to a chair where I just sat and sobbed, while Miss Khan asked who else needed to be asked to the office. Polly and Claire were contacted and I gagged out that I needed Joel. Polly came in very fast, with Joel behind her, and I basically fell into Joel's arms, sobbing, as he proceeded to turn the yellowy colour of Miss Khan's walls. It was quite honestly the most horrific moment of my entire life, being in that office and being told one of my best friends had passed away. Even though we were told it was peaceful, it was still the hard, horrible truth that Rob was gone. We were never going to see him again. Miss Khan rubbed my shoulders as I sat, completely immobile to do anything but sob, and Laura and Jen held each other, Polly and Claire, while Sam and Joel comforted Will who was best friends with Rob at Primary School.

Sam gets a lift to and from with Curtis' older sister, Ella, everyday and Curtis was ill at home on Monday. Me and Sam were absolutely desperate for Curtis to find out from us, and not from Facebook, so we practically ran to the car and broke the news to Ella who held herself together and told us that of course we could come round to theirs after school. I tried and failed not to cry in the car over to Curtis' as Sam held my hand and tried to reassure me, though he'd gone into shutdown mode basically - not talking, not crying, just an unemotional block who looked ready to shatter at any moment. We got to Curtis and Ella's house, and broke the news to Curtis who reacted with "Oh god" and sat up in his bed holding his head in his hands. Curtis and Ella took us downstairs and we sat in the living room with cokes, talking about memories and trying not to cry. Curtis held it together until his mum and dad came home, then he broke down when his mum gave him a humongous hug. Sam and I left shortly afterwards, after a group hug with Curtis, to go round Sam's where Sam unearthed a bottle of whisky. I don't drink so drank nothing, but sat on Sam's bed while he drank and smiled about memories. We went to Laura's afterwards and a group of us sat and talked about Rob and cried and laughed together.

I'm never taking my 'Beating Blood Cancer' bracelet off, because it's the constant reminder I have of Rob. I'm never taking 'The Jolly Quacker' poster off my wall either, because it's also a constant reminder I have of Rob - I'll explain the story of The Jolly Quacker in a future blog, it's too long to put in this already long blog post.

It's been less than a week but it already feels like there's a huge hole in my life and I miss Rob more than I can put into words. His memorial service is on Thursday, and I think it will fully hit me then that he's gone. I feel so honoured to have become so close to one of the sweetest, kind-hearted, wonderful people on this planet, and I will never forget about Rob, never stop missing and loving him. It's been a rough through months but we got through it together - and now we're all getting through his death together too. I just hope wherever he is, he's sat up there in the duck hat smiling over us; that's the mental image that's keeping me going at the moment anyway.

Visiting Rob on the 16th January 2013

Rob at home for a couple of hours - we brought him stick on
moustaches, and Sam got ambushed by his cats

I love you forever and always mi boi. I hope that Ollie (a boy in our Sixth Form who died in a car crash in November) is taking care of you up there; for some reason, the idea that he is makes me feel far more comforted, that you're not alone there. Rest in peace you wonderful batty boy, and though life without you is going to be hard, if there really is an afterlife I will see you on the other side and cry with happiness at seeing you again. I love you and miss you and I'm just eternally thankful I met you <3