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| Rob, me and Phil at the hospital in January 2013, most likely laughing at some idiotic thing Sam had done (Sam visible in window reflection) |
Over a year has passed since the days of visiting the hospital and hospice as many times as I possibly could, and over a year has now passed since I last saw, spoke to, hugged one of my best friends. Time has a bizarre way of creeping up on us. It doesn't feel long ago at all that 'The Great Cake Feast' took place - yet it was literally over a year ago. 16th February 2013. We're in March 2014 now. My brain cannot fathom it's been that long.
It's not an exaggeration to say I think of Rob every single day. I remember for years, before I knew the pain of losing someone significant to your life, when I heard people say "But I still think of them every day" that they said it because it was the right thing to say, the accepted, expected thing to say. I know now it's not the case at all - it genuinely is something that comes to mind everyday. Some days are worse than others. Some days it hits hard (such as in July 2013 I woke up after dreaming about Rob and my mind went, 'I must call him and meet up again, haven't spoken in ages!' and the terror that hit me when I realised that for that brief moment I had forgotten my friend had died I cannot even put into words properly) and it is all you think of, how you miss them, how you need them right now. Other days it's not that it hits hard - it's just their face briefly passes across your mind, or you see something, hear something that reminds you of them, and it's a bittersweet feeling; bitter that they are not here to share it with you, but sweet that in their own way they are still here, just in a different way. As time has gone on, more and more often it's the 'bittersweet feeling' thoughts - I haven't had a painful, hard hitting feeling for a while now. That's another thing I heard; everyone told me it would get easier with time, and I just didn't believe them, because time to me meant more time without Rob; but it is true, it has got easier. I'm used to only hearing his voice in my head now. I count myself incredibly lucky that I still have a recording on my phone from May 2012 on Last Day of Year 11, far before he was diagnosed again, which he features in: when I feel exceptionally low and I just need Rob back in my life, I can flip that recording on and for that few minutes, I am comforted and he is back. You wouldn't believe how much someone yelling "YOU'RE SO DRUNK YOU NO LONGER HAVE OCD" is comforting, but it's all I have, and it's worry-free healthy Rob speaking.
Of course things are different now, different again to how they were this time last year. This time last year I would still fall asleep crying, still torture myself reading through old texts and old photos on my phone and try and fail to hold the tears in, still feel like an immense part of my life was gone. You have to understand that this time last year I had not only lost a friend but I had also lost a schedule to my life - I was so used to waking up, texting Rob, going to school, texting him throughout, arranging visiting him, buying things to bring to him, pratting around with him when we saw him, repeat schedule. That schedule kept me sane throughout losing him, and I lost both him and the thing that kept me sane. My entire life was flipped up and turned upside down.
However, the bonds of friendship between me, Sam, Laura, Jen and Curtis I don't think will ever be broken now. A year on and friendships we swore would stick together because of this have fallen apart, but us 5 are still close as we ever were. That reassures me.
What have I learnt from this year?
I have learnt that even at the darkest times, there is light. I have friends who are there for me whatever now and I'm fairly sure that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for this. I've learnt that you can get through seemingly impossible situations - losing a friend when I was 16 was something I still to this day don't know how I got through, but I did get through it. Anything is possible. And living for the day is so important. I have done so much in the past year - 10 gigs and 1 music festival, with 2 more gigs to come (so far...) and 2 music festivals (Isle of Wight and Reading 2014 I am coming at ya) - and I'm not entirely convinced I would have grabbed those things with both hands if I hadn't learnt that it really is best to try everything if you're given the opportunity.
